(Wellspring Home, in Monroe, MI)
One of the best books on handing grief and loss is A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss, by Jerry Sittser (thanks again D.F.). "This book is about catastrophic loss and the transformation that can occur in our lives because of it." (17)
Sittser was hit head-on by a drunk driver going 85 mph. His wife, one child, and mother were killed. He survived. He lay at the scene with his other children for two hours, watching his loved ones die, caring for his surviving children.
He's in the darkest valley, the valley of nothingness, with God.
Live long enough and you will experience catastropic loss. "As surely as we are born into this world we suffer loss before we leave it." (Ib.) We will all walk through the valley of the shadow of death, multiple times.
"It is not, therefore, the experience of loss that becomes the defining moment of our lives, for that is as inevitable as death, which is the last loss awaiting us all. It is how we respond to loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, the direction, and the impact of our lives." (Ib.)
We must walk through the dark valley, rather than around it. You can't do that anyway. You cannot avoid it. "I knew that running from the darkness would only lead to greater darkness later on. I also knew that my soul had the capacity to grow - to absorb evil and good, to die and live again, to suffer abandonment and find God. In choosing the face the night, I took my first steps toward the sunrise." (52)
We never "get over" catastrophic loss. Forget trying to help people do that. But we can "live in and be enlarged by loss, even as we continue to experience it." (18)
Linda and I have never gotten over our baby son David's death. We never will. And, by the way, we don't want to. Our great loss did not condemn us forever to bitterness and lifelessness, because God has helped us find our way through the dark valley. For us it became essential to learn to trust Jesus, to abide in Him, and to do so now, not later.
"If we face loss squarely and respond to it wisely, we will actually become healthier people, even as we draw closer to physical death. We will find our souls healed, as they can only be healed through suffering." (18)
An excellent book for parents who have lost a child is I'll Hold You in Heaven; Healing and Hope for the Parent Who Has Lost a Child Through Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Abortion or Early Infant Death, by Jack Hayford.