#1 - COMMUNICATE AND COORDINATE
(At Toledo Zoo)
In August Linda and I will celebrate our 52nd wedding anniversary. We are both thankful for having these wonderful years of life together!
We're not the perfect marriage. Acknowledging this helps us be better life partners.
One thing that has helped us is that we communicate about and coordinate our busy schedules, meetings, desires, and obligations. We do this every day, usually in the morning, or the evening before.
We ask each other questions, such as...
"What is your schedule today?"
"What do you want to get done today?"
"How can I help you today?"
"What time will we have together today?"
"Are you OK with me doing this (_______) today?"
"What do we need to do together today?"
"What commitments do we have this week?"
"What shall we do for dinner tonight?"
"What do you need to talk about?"
We ask questions like these. Because we do this all the time, responding to them often takes little time.
We want to share expectations, and be on the same page.
We let each other know what we are up to. For example, Linda might tell me, "I'm doing laundry this morning. Do you have clothes that need washing?"
I always let her know where I am going. Today, e.g., I said, "I'm going to Panera Bread to get a coffee." And later, I said, "I'm going upstairs to work in the office."
This is not rocket science. We always let each other know what we are doing and where we are going, even if it's just going outside to water the flowers. And, we are willing to give up our agendas for the sake of the other.
Linda is excellent at keeping a datebook. We meet together, and she brings her datebook with her. She says, "Remember, John, that we have the graduation party this Saturday at 1."
We communicate like this because we are not single anymore. We are doing life together.
Coordinating our schedules is a way of honoring one another. In doing this, expectations become clear. Uncommunicated expectations breed marital conflict.
For us, this is one secret to a healthy marriage.
#2 - Say "Thank you" (Often)
(Saugatuck, MI)Last SUMMER Linda and I celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary. We drove four hours to a Michigan beach town and spent four days together.
We walked, talked, sat on the beach, read books, had some good meals, sat by the pool, browsed, shopped, ate some fudge, and I had cherry peach pie. On the way home Linda led us in a praying time.
We gave gifts. And said the words, "Thank you."
"Thank you" is part of our marital arsenal. "Thank you" is a super weapon. We say these words, to each other, a lot.
"Thank you for the gift."
"Thank you for mowing the lawn."
"Thank you for the tuna salad sandwich."
"Thank you for doing the dishes."
"Thank you for finding my phone."
"Thank you for the reminder."
"Thank you for washing the clothes."
"Thank you for making the bed."
"Thank you for vacuuming."
"Thank you for the flowers."
"Thank you for all you do for me."
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
When people fail to say "Thank you" it can come off as entitlement. We see the entitlement disease in Luke 17:11-19.
11 Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12 As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance 13 and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”
14 When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.”
And as they went, they were cleansed.
15 One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16 He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.
17 Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?”
19 Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”
When you stop saying "Thank you," often, you are taking the other person for granted.
Saying "Thank you" places you in a vulnerable position. This is why some don't say the words.
We don't have the perfect marriage. But we have both told God "Thank you," countless times, for bringing us together. We spoke these words again, both to God and to each other, as we celebrated 51 years.
Saying "Thank you" is one of our little secrets to a healthy marriage.
#3 - ALL WE HAVE TOGETHER BELONGS TO GOD
When I married Linda I had some debt. I had student loans to cover tuition and housing for my freshman and sophomore years
I spent the money. I also flunked out of college at the end of my sophomore year.
I eventually got back in college. But I had to pay off the wasted student loan.
When I married Linda, we both understood that we were now "one flesh." We were a team. We did not believe that she had her money, and I had my money. Instead, all that we had, collectively, was God's, with us as the stewards of what we have.
And of what we owed. My loan indebtedness was now Linda's as well.
For us, it goes like this. If I make a dollar a week, and Linda makes $1000 a week, together we make $1001. And it all belongs to God. We are then called to be good stewards of what God has given us.
A huge part of this stewardship was, and still is, keeping a budget. That we both look at together, and both agree on.
This means we agree on how the money is to be spent. In addition to a mortgage, car payment, utilities, food, clothing, insurance, and other essentials (the loan!), we sometimes had extra money. We did not spend this extra money without talking together about it. Early in our marriage, we both agreed that neither of us would make a purchase over $50 without asking the other if this seemed right to them.
We continue this to this day. This has served us well in our fifty-one years of marriage!
The key principles are:
1) Everything we have belongs to God.
2) We are the stewards of what God has given us.
3) We have a monthly budget.
4) We communicate about finances.
#4 - FORGIVE ONE ANOTHER
1971.
I had been a Jesus-follower for a year.
God had led me to not date anyone, for the purpose of focusing on knowing Jesus. What a great and important year that was for me!
1972. That's when I met Linda, and slowly, carefully, began to fall in love with her.
Our relationship was Jesus-centered. This included abstaining from sexual activity, even kissing. We were not trying to use each other to get personal pleasure. Were we "dating?" If so, not in the usual cultural way. It was beautiful! And, I still had so much to learn about how to love another person as Jesus loves them.
It was going so well that I thought we would never disagree and argue. That bubble eventually got burst. We had our first argument.
I cannot remember what it was about. I do remember engaging in some powerful logical reasoning. Surely, I thought, Linda will see that I was right, and she was wrong. But that bubble also got burst, when God told me, "John, she's right. You are wrong."
As I heard those words, I knew they were correct. I'm wrong. This knowledge created another problem, which was: I never admitted it when I was wrong. So, I kept arguing.
I have the powerful gift of defending myself and attacking the other person, even when I know I am wrong. I had taken and aced the "Argumentation and Debate" class at Northern Illinois University. When the class was over the professor, who led the university Debate Team, invited me to be on the team. I chose not to, but my overconfident ego was expanding.
As I was pressing my argument against Linda, God told me this. "John, not only are you wrong in your argument, you also are wrong in continuing to argue when you know you are wrong."
That's when I came to my senses. I had two things to say to Linda.
- I am wrong, you are right.
- I kept arguing even though I knew I was wrong and you are right.
And then, these words came out of my mouth: "Would you forgive me for doing that."
That was new territory for me. I thought Linda might exit our relationship. Who would want to be with someone who, when they were wrong, could not admit it?
Linda said, "John, I forgive you."
And then we laughed. A lot.
We've been married fifty-two years, this coming summer. Admitting we are wrong when we are wrong is built into the DNA of our marriage.
We have both said, to each other, these words, countless times.
"I was wrong."
"You were right."
"Please forgive me for talking that way to you."
"Please forgive me for not listening to you."
"I love you."
"I forgive you."
FOR MORE HELP SEE:
Forgive, by Tim Keller
Caring Enough to Forgive, by David Augsburger
Forgive and Forget, by Lewis Smedes
#5 - SERVE ONE ANOTHER
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 5:21.
In doing life, Linda and I do not compete against each other. Because...
we are on the same team.
We do life together.
We don't keep score.
For example, when I had my hip replacement surgery, I recovered at home. We rented a surgical bed, where I slept. During my rehab, Linda waited on me. And kept the house clean. And did the shopping. And meal planning and making. With love and joy.
When there are times when Linda is sidelined with illness, I do the same for her. I serve her, and do not keep a mental record of all the hours I am putting in. We don't owe each other anything. That's how it is, when you serve one another out of love, and for the team.
'Entitlement' is not in a servant's mental lexicon.
"Who serves the most?" We have never entertained this question.
We are not perfect. And yet, we defer. We are always asking questions like these.
"Can I get you anything?"
"How can I help you?"
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Let me do this for you."
And, always humming in the background, is this: "How can we help each other flourish?"
